Yesterday, I was out until 3 morn at Raf’s birthday party. It was all in all. There were many parts which I have no recollection of, but last night has been on my mind all this while. All around me people were having a great time. This is not the first time I’ve been so dead at it. It’s never the party. The party was amazingly arranged. Jasmine worked hard at making things so wonderful. All the new people were wonderful. We had a great DJ, great music, great lights… the liquid, the women were amazing.. it was what everybody would call perfect. Yet somewhere inside among the silencing loud music, the crazy crazy red patterns of ruby lasers, the stripper who arrived pretending to be a policewoman, all the people around me so cheerful and lush, … I didn’t find myself. I hate it when it happens, when I am not having fun anymore, but am assessing.. searching for answers about my immediate present. Why was everybody learning me the way they were? Oh hell yeah, I’ve been a Linux hacker for .. how long now? Since ninety four.. hell yeah. Yeah I have a fucking Masters degree. Oh sure I can tell you about the sorry IT economy. Sure sure I was part of those days.. sure hell yeah I had fun riding the IT boom. Is that all the reason why you see me at my place? Is this why I am the learned guy?.. I can sing.. where did you pick that up from? “Oh they’ve been talking, eh? Heh..” . o O (You even laughed? I’m da guy) Qualities… are these all a man is made up of? What if I had no qualities, but had a million dreams, which’ll forever be dreams.. but which are rich and I am passionately true about them to the degree of obsession? I cannot show them to you, but you can see them if you reach in. You can feel them if you walk through them with me. So many have given up.. how about you? But nobody had that.. they couldn’t smell, feel, hear my dreams.. not tangible. I felt the lowest esteem.. Mukund? That’s the guy who was here before. That isn’t me right now.. look at how I’m dressed. I am shabby. Look at my hair.. it so desperately needs a haircut. That’s what I am.. my degrees, my Linux crap.. opensource blah.. these are that Mukund who’s not here around for some reason.. he should be here, but he isn’t. I’m an instrumentalist, not a vocalist.
I like attention.. I’m like a rock star.. a performer.. and I can keep that. But I need something to push me at points along the way.. to reach away.. a drop, and I’ll make that ocean. It isn’t love.. it’s not money.. it’s not my desire. These things haven’t pushed me. I honestly can’t put a finger on something, so I can look for it along the way to motivate me. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s something so beautiful it shows without knowing it.. which I find without knowing. Recently, it looks as if I’m trying to better myself over others, which is *so* what I don’t want to be. When I was younger, I didn’t know if something on the way existed.. just knew my goals.. took care of it. Now it’s like I’m trying to do better than the other guy.. that’s my attitude. I ALWAYS END UP DOING BETTER.. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT IT IS.. (however selfpraising this sounds.. that’s besides the point). I am not like this. These days it appears I have a target X which is doing something over target Z which the other guy reached, and that’s all I seem to get enough motivation for.. the will/desire to surpass all that anyone else is capable of, which is not not not right. 
I felt so bad yesterday when I was made to realise that.. just there, among everybody, I was somewhere else. These days I seem to find only truly impossible goals.. and no motivation yet to reach them. Where I don’t have something to surpass, I don’t find motivation. That last sentence.. yes that’s the gist of what I’ve tried to tell. Fuck it.. I’ll find a way. Yeah, a stripper came yesterday. I closed my eyes. I finished my half bottle of malibu. I made many acquaintances. And the people I already knew became closer friends. I behaved so oddly though with Mobeen. I hope she didn’t think I was rude. I didn’t wish her when I saw her, and made myself disappear so I wouldn’t have to present myself… I looked shabby.. uncut hair. I was selfconscious, and as far as that evening was concerned, I was a slob. I had to hide. She had the good nature to make sure she wished.. I could see that in the look on her face. She was making sure she did it. No I’m not infatuated and stuff like that. (*I’ve got a wide grin on my face cause I know some of you idiots who’ll be reading this with the same wide grin. NO.) You know I am too tired in my life to be capable of anything like that. She’s my first friend after getting here 
And yes, I want to present myself well, cause she’s a woman, and I’m a man. I hate it when I’m found and I’m like this.. Jasmine’s cousins find me resting on the couch.. “You ok?” No I’m not? “Yes I am” Then the stripper comes along.. No no no no no no. This can’t be happening. So I pour myself more malibu, find red and yellow olives which taste disgusting but well that’s the custom… the loud music, where it’s so loud that yelling into ears doesn’t help.. the lasers after all the lights have been switched off.. the floor with god knows what’s on it it sticks.. do I see petals on it? I’m crushing petals under my feet? But it’s a party, and that’s how parties are. I’m the alien. This drink helps however.. so I drink and sit on a chair and watch.. more music.. people take turns sitting at the sofa.. Raf and his brother are doing their thing on the floor.. another person actually rapping along on the mic.. amazing! This part was chewable.. Fun.. Why was Mobeen attracting all my attention? Raf pulls me on the floor.. no sitting.. and another song and another and this song isn’t danceable… Dips is on my chair.. there’s another next to his. I am back on my throne. And of all the things I can’t expect, Mobeen comes and calls me into the floor.. No I’m not comfortable. Why am I not comfortable? Was it cause I was attracted? I have no idea.. I didn’t have the time. It was my mistake looking at her, and not quickly looking away when she looked. I was on the floor.. now, can’t do this. Quick. Gotta lose her. So I told her I wasn’t good with this, and just went to talk to the DJ. The DJ had an amazing bunch of equipment. His supplies were overflowing with CDs and he had two tables and a mixer. I saw it.. I saw it a little more.. Ok enough of this stuff.. more drink.. but hey I want some water first. So I head to the kitchen, and there’s this guy with a girl (I have absolutely no idea who they were.. too drunk to remember).. the guy turns around and says “Please leave.. I’m having a private moment.”.. I think.. WTF. But hell no.. no trouble. So I back off from the kitchen, with no water, but still thirsty. What now.. malibu.. I don’t know what else happened.. I remember sitting on the couch.. and Raf comes along.. “On the floor.. last dance!”.. How can I say no to Raf… back to the floor. More dancing . o O (Hell I hate myself.. why the hell am I like this? Why do I have the hacker 4am type look? Comfort.. No I wasn’t comfortable with nobody there.)[Short deviation: listening to Cake as I type this.. they rock, don't they?]
The End. Time to go home. Vince’s 50q car wouldn’t start. It wasn’t all that cold outside.. only about -98C. TAXI. TAXI. Oh IIRC Raf asked about Kashmir again then… too bad this stuff was happening. But there’s only so much. Wars originate in the minds of people. Mobeen is Kashmiri, isn’t she? I guess I’m still drunk. I am. Sheesh it’s difficult when I’m consciously drunk. Yeah I described this exact situation to Raf many days ago. But not now. Yes, war might happen… mom’s off holidaying in Nepal first week of Jan. I think I’ll convince her to go south instead. Here comes my TAXI. Hell it’s 3 in the morning. Time to say goodbye. When getting off the taxi, the taxi guy said something about the door not being firmly shut.. and I just couldn’t figure it out. I mean.. I wasn’t dumb. I was conscious, but *he* wasn’t making any sense (attn: his fault). I just rushed in, changed clothes and pfft.. was sleeping.
Life is so beautiful.. my heart seems happy and set on reaching out. I’m going to take it wherever it wants to go. Dil tho aakhir dil hai na But don’t think I can’t compete. Go ahead. Set your sights above me. You have to go beyond what I’m doing. But that’s for you to find out.. because when you do that, I’m going to be trying to go beyond you.
The sweetest part was when an elderly lady who’d come to attend kissed me for dancing with her. Maybe she found me cute in some way with my sloppy hair and total disrespectful dressing.. whatever.. but I was far from dancing good. I shy away from kisses, but she looked so sincere. She kissed me before leaving again.. I remembered to shambly say thank you.. whenever this sort of unexpectedness shows I can’t react. Such things don’t happen.
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